Notes from Marni's "Mentoring Tomorrow's Leaders" course

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Mentoring is a fundamental form of development where one person invests time, energy,

and personal knowledge in assisting another person to grow and learn.

Give each participant an index card and ask them to silently do the following:

Identify one person, preferably someone who is not a relative, who was a mentor to 

them.

Think about why that person was important to them and the lasting effect that 

person’s interest had.

Recall the qualities of that person that made them so valued. Write down two or 

three of those qualities on the index card.

Have the participants talk briefly about the mentor they indentified and the qualities they 

valued. As they speak, list those qualities on the flip chart. When a quality is repeated, put a 

check mark next to it each time it is mentioned.

Review the items on the list. Highlight the items that were mentioned most often. Then 

have the participants identify which of the qualities might be categorized as 

“communication skills,” such as listening, talking, asking questions, and being 

nonjudgmental.

Allow time for participants to talk about their hopes and concerns in their new role. For 

example, which of the qualities they admired in their mentors do they feel fairly confident 

they possess? Which do they need to work on developing? What other concerns do they 

have about their role?

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(Whether they all fit or not, but I thought even some would be good to identify...)

5 Phases of a Mentoring Relationship

Phase 1—Building trust

During the first phase of the mentoring relationship, it is critical for the mentor to be both 

predictable and consistent. During this time, the mentor and the mentee are exploring 

whether they can work together. They are determining the alignment of values, 

establishing a mutual respect, agreeing on the purpose of their relationship, and 

establishing roles and expectations.  

One thing that might happen is that the mentee might “test” how the mentor will react to 

certain situations. Be aware of this possibility, and handle these situations in an honest 

manner.

Ask: What are some things you can do to help build trust?

Look for the following:

When the mentor schedules a meeting, be there on time and ready.

Open conversations between both participants.

Both participants need to be honest.

The mentor needs to establish confidentiality and not share these conversations.

Ask: What happens if the mentor and mentee do not “hit it off” or fail to develop a mutual 

respect?

Accept that they should attempt to discuss and work out the differences. However, if either 

the mentor or the mentee is uncomfortable, then the process should end. The worst thing 

that could be done is to move forward when one of the participants has a personality 

conflict or a lack of respect for the other.

Phase 2—Setting direction

This phase is all about goal setting. Whereas in phase 1 the goal was to establish a sense of 

purpose, here the goal is to determine what the mentor and mentee should achieve through 

this relationship. It is important to set goals not just for the mentee, but for the mentor as 

well.

When setting goals, they need to be medium- to long-term goals that can be linked to 

shorter or even day-to-day goals. Goals should be SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, 

relevant, and time-bound).

Ask the participants to create and share goals that might be established during this process 

with a mentee. Have some of the participants share a goal and evaluate the goal for SMART, 

but not content.

The process of building rapport continues during this phase. It is important that mutual 

trust continues to be built while exploring the possibilities and the setting of goals.

Phase 3—Progression

This phase is the longest of the five. Here, both the mentor and the mentee become more 

comfortable about challenging each other’s perceptions, and they explore issues more 

deeply and experience mutual learning. Also, the mentee takes an increasing lead in 

managing the relationship and the mentoring process itself.

We will talk later about learning conversations, but for now know that these conversations 

are critical. This phase will focus on learning and problem solving; scaffoldings will be an 

important technique. Scaffolding involves providing resources and support as the mentee 

learns a new skill or concept in a manner that allows the mentee to grow beyond the 

support. As the mentor, you will not be expected to coach the mentee; however, you are 

expected to guide the mentee through a discovery process. The goal is for the mentee to 

develop through their own problem solving.

All relationships will experience their ups and downs, and these could occur here as well. 

There might be a few rough patches. Mentors should be prepared for this and not assume 

that something is wrong.  Continue to have open and honest conversations with the mentee 

to ensure that the mentee’s needs are being met.

Phase 4—Winding up

Now that the mentee has achieved a large amount of their goals, it is time to consider how 

the mentoring relationship will wind up. The mentee begins to plan how to continue the 

journey on their own.  

Ask: Why is it important to plan ahead for the end of the mentoring relationship?

Look for the following:

To avoid unhealthy dependency on either individual’s part.

To prevent hurt feelings by a sudden dissolution of the relationship.

To encourage maintaining confidence for further personal growth.

To mutually determine the roles of the mentor and mentee after the relationship.

To mutually determine how they will stay in touch beyond the relationship.

Winding up by celebrating the accomplishments is much better than winding down or 

drifting apart.

Phase 5—Moving on

This is about changing the relationship, often into a friendship where both parties can 

utilize each other as an ad hoc sounding board.

When this phase has been recognized as approaching and planned for appropriately in the 

fourth phase, it will ease the transition from the mentor-mentee relationship into one that 

has been mutually determined.

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The cornerstone of every mentoring event is the learning conversation. The mentoring 

process relies on your ability to create a reflective environment where the mentee can 

address their personal growth issues.

                                                       

To do this, a learning conversation has five components:

Reaffirmation—The mentor and mentee spend time to reestablish connectedness 

using more than just the normal social niceties. In a good relationship, there will be 

a mutual recognition of emotional states and the level of interest.

Identifying the issue—This is when the issue to be discussed is articulated and the 

mentee’s desired outcome is identified.

Building mutual understanding—The mentor encourages the mentee to explore 

the issue in depth, by asking questions that stimulate insight. The purpose of the 

questions is for both of them to more clearly understand the situation and all of the 

elements involved. The mentor wants to avoid offering solutions or analogies to 

their own experiences. When the conversation comes to a natural end, the mentor 

should summarize and check to see if a mutual understanding has been achieved.

Exploring alternative solutions—This is when both the mentor and mentee allow 

themselves to be as creative as possible, looking for ways to move forward. The goal 

is to build a range of solutions from which the mentee will eventually choose to take 

away for reflection.

Final check—The mentor encourages the mentee to review what they are going to 

do and why, and what the mentee has learned about the situation in question and 

about themselves. This allows for a mutual understanding and places the 

responsibility for what happens next on the mentee.

Between sessions, the mentee should be reflecting on what has been discussed how what 

they have learned relates to other issues. The mentor should also reflect upon their role in 

the relationship so the relationship’s progress can be measured.

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How to Kill a Conversation

For this section, facilitate the conversation with humor and keep it lively.

When you are having a conversation with a mentee, you need to be careful not to shut 

down a mentee’s thought process. Let them think things through. However, we sometimes 

say things that will kill a conversation without meaning to. What are some of the things you 

can say that will kill a conversation?

Examples:

Put down the mentee’s ideas—“That is silly” or “That is stupid.”

Speak judgmentally—“Why did you do that?”

Use abusive language, even if it is not about the mentee.

Sometimes it is not what we say, but what we do that kills a conversation. Who wants to 

show us some of these things?

Examples:

Do not make eye contact.

Slouch over.

Look distracted.

Drum your fingers on the table.

While the mentee is speaking, think about what you are going to say in reply. It is 

not possible to form your own words and concentrate on the speaker at the same 

time.

Interrupt the mentee while they are speaking.

Do something else (draw, make a shopping list, read e-mail, etc.)

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Ask the participants “How important is it for our mentees to reach their goal?”

Point out that the mentee’s goal is an important part of the mentoring process, but it is not 

the point of the mentoring process. Remind the participants that the point of the mentoring 

process is the personal growth and development of the mentee. The project or goals are 

only a tool for facilitating that development.

However, we should not ignore the mentee’s goals during the process. As we have talked 

about during the action stage, we need to work toward the overall goal with small, planned 

steps. When exploring these steps and carrying out the action plan, we may discover the 

goal is not possible as the mentee originally envisioned and then help the mentee to 

develop a more realistic goal. 

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Ask the participants, “How are we going to know if we are successful as a mentor in 

developing our mentee’s personal growth?”

Depending on your mentee and their needs, you should look to see if your mentee:

Begins to realize they have potential

Has an increase in self-confidence

Starts to think about the “bigger picture” and their role in shaping it

Ask the participants what are some indicators that their mentee is beginning to realize 

their potential?

Setting goals

Developing new skills

Beginning to practice time management skills

Ask the participants what are some indicators that their mentee has increased selfconfidence?

Has an increased cooperation with others

Believes in himself or herself

As the participants how can you tell if their mentee is beginning to think about their role in 

the “bigger picture?”

A willingness to help others

An ability to plan for the future

An understanding of how his or her goals and projects affect others

We are continually focusing on the mentee, and we should be, but how about you as a 

mentor? You will not be unchanged during this process. How do we measure YOUR 

growth?

Look for answers that include:

Gain new understandings through your mentee

Develop skills in teaching, coaching, and advising

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“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.”—

Galileo Galilei